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We often find ourselves reminiscing of the years long ago when we could just hop in the Jeep and go for a ride around town with the top down. Or we hear about my hairdresser’s plan to spend her Anniversary with her spouse by writing locations on paper, throwing them in a hat, picking a spot, and hitting the road. While we DO miss that freedom and those care-free days, there is nothing in this world we would trade for our 4 healthy, beautiful children.
So how do we still get that care-free time together like we use to with 4 kiddos in tow? I’m glad you asked. Simply put, we MAKE time. There is no possible way to add more hours to the day. God I wish I could. BUT, we are more cognizant of HOW we spend the time we have and we make sure we take at least 5-10 minutes to just sit and spend time together.
Tip #1-
Dinner is always at the table
These days, this seems like such an outdated tradition and less families find the importance of eating together as a family at the table. For us, its not just about eating together at the table. This is the time we take to ask each other how our day has been. We ask each child what their favorite part of the day was. It does not matter if I have spent the last 2 hours cooking away in the kitchen preparing an awesome meal or if we have the pizza boxes laid out before us. We are sitting at that table and spending time together as a family.
Tip #2-
Divide and conquer
One of us takes over prepping the kiddos for bed with showers, brushing teeth, stories, prayers and tucking them in while the other cleans up the house, changes over laundry, and then showers themselves. Around the same time each task is complete, The one who has showered says goodnight to the kids and maybe gets in a little quiet time while the other takes their shower.
Tip #3-
Bedtime is 7PM
I know. I know. I can hear you shouting through the computer screen. “What about Soccer, Baseball, Cheerleading, Ballet, Band Practice!” I am talking about nights when we are not at the ball field until 9pm. Any night we do not have extracurricular activities, we eat dinner around 5:30-6, and start getting them to bed by 7. By the time our nightly routine is done, it’s about 8pm and that gives my spouse and I about 1-2 hours of time to either just unwind on the couch sitting together or spend time together. Not only does this set the routine for our kids to know bedtime most days will be 7 pm, but it maximizes our time alone with one another.
Tip #4- Communicate!
I use to be one of those people who would get SO mad when I was feeling a certain way and my spouse was not picking up on it. Early on in our marriage I heard an analogy that seriously hit the nail on the head.
Men open the closet and pull out one box and focus on that one box at a time. When they are done with that box, they put it back into the closet (HA! Right..anyway) and then grab another box and focus on it.
Women open the closet and see about 3 boxes they need things out of and lay them all out on the table next to her to do list and she gets to work. Then, once she has finished her tasks, she cleans up the table, places the items back in the boxes and goes to put them back in the closet. While she is putting the boxes back in the closet, she spots another box that had something else she needs to get done, so then she adds that to her to do list.
See where I’m going?
Men tend to focus on one thing at a time, while women tend to have their minds going about a million miles a minute on thousands of different things at a time. My husband, God love him, does not pick up on subtle hints or suggestions.
I highly recommend this book in how to communicate with your partner.
“I think the dishes in the dishwasher are clean” does not equate to “Hey babe, would you mind unloading the dishwasher?”.
Tip #5-
Parent as a team. No good cop/bad cop
While yes, in our home at least, Dad rules with a bit more of a firm fist while Mom is kinda just tired and gives up sometimes. (Not a good tactic, I’m working on it). However, there is not just one of us who disciplines the children or corrects them when their behavior is wrong while the other is always the praise patrol. That is not healthy for anyone. That makes room for a toxic relationship and toxic relationships lead to trauma in your children. Also, If one of us is being a little too firm on one kiddo and taking it easier on another, we call each other out on it. NOT in front of the children though. We pull the other into a different room and RESPECTFULLY say, hey. You’re not being fair here.
Making room for your spouse while navigating parenthood is so important, because after the kids have grown and are out of the house, it will just be the two of you again. If you spend those 18+ years giving everything to just the kids and leaving your spouse on the back burner, you are setting up your marriage for failure. Make 5-10 minutes a day to just look at your spouse and ask them how their day was. It will definitely be worth it, I promise. 11 years and holding strong here.
